Godzilla Meets King Kong

When we are under attack, our partner’s amygdala is triggered. Some call this the reptilian brain. It’s like suddenly Godzilla has shown up with every hurt ever experienced as her weapons. We can choose to match Godzilla with Godzilla deflecting and denying, counter-attacking. Or, a more compassionate approach, a more loving approach is King Kong, stay in our mammalian brain, our adult. Tell me more. Tell me more. Tell me more. Remembering: “I Love this woman so very much.” Over and over. It can take hours, days or weeks for her to return to her adult. That is when we can find out what is the real reason she’s upset What hurt in the present is triggering her hurts from the past, her fears, her insecurities that have pushed her into that fight or flight mode.

The issue is rarely the issue. The more unfair (you never, you always), the more irrational, the more untimely (25 years ago you…) the more likely it’s just the amygdala on attack. The more curiosity and a quest for understanding and empathy is called for. Clarifying questions and time outs are your friends. Time outs (not “space”) when your fight response surfaces. Time-outs with a time limit to return to the discussion, because that is what it is: a discussion masquerading as a fight. Time-outs when tempted to resort to sarcasm, defending yourself, “yeah, but you”, ridiculing, humiliating, rationalizing.