Fair Fighting

All relationships have contention. Healthy relationships more easily resolve contention. We all have hidden agendas, wounded egos, from our past that at times get triggered. Fair fighting is how to keep those from sabotaging the relationship.

There are tons of good articles on the internet about fair fighting rules. The point is to enter into a fair fighting agreement ahead of time. Sort out which rules work for you: no name calling, one issue at a time, face-to-face vs text or email, assisted, time-outs. Time-outs are important. When I feel I am not longer in my adult, it’s time for a time-out. An appropriate time-out makes it clear I want to return to the discussion and when. I don’t leave the other person hanging. It’s not a weapon. It’s a strategy for mutual benefit.

Learn to attend to what’s being presented without fixing. What are the feelings? Feelings aren’t: “I feel that..” That’s just an opinion in disguise. Often the “issue” is not the issue. There is something else maybe more personal driving the issue. Maybe (often most likely) from the past, perhaps the distant past. Curiosity, understanding, empathy, compassion are the keys.