Growth in the moral virtues has been de-emphasized in philosophy and in psychotherapy.

Yet when clients are given the opportunity to forgive those who have hurt them, this new therapeutic approach can be very healing for clients.

Perhaps it is time to re-examine the ancient tradition of encouraging people to grow in the moral virtues, particularly forgiveness, when hurt.

Healing the wound in a healthy way is necessary for forgiveness.

The absence of peace and buried pain undergirds so much of what’s wrong with society.

Why you need to free yourself from emotional debts.

How toxic shame keeps us stuck in the rabbit hole.

Is It Guilt Or Shame?

These two words get used interchangeably but are very different. Guilt is something most of us have experienced at one time or another as long as our moral compass is in tact. Shame is what is taught in childhood from traumatic, abusive or neglectful environments.

• Guilt: “ I made a mistake.”

• Shame: “I am a mistake.”

• It is natural for us to avoid pain, but this only intensifies our suffering.

• Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting the difficult parts of life.

• Once you make peace with what you cannot change, you can focus on what is within your control.

• Humans are programmed to avoid danger or anyone who has proven to be untrustworthy.

• When people expect their lives to resemble fairy tales, they don’t equip themselves with the proper tools to deal with conflict effectively.

• Letting go invites peace and the release of unresolved conflict, and can boost mental health.

When we're self-accepting, we're able to embrace all facets of ourselves—not just the positive, more "esteem-able" parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses or limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves.

Holding onto resentment and being unforgiving increases our stress levels and takes a toll on our well-being. The good news is that we can learn skills to become more constructive and effective in accepting and rectifying our errors -- and, in the process, grow as individuals.

If someone else had wronged you, you’d want an apology, and then you’d decide whether or not to forgive them.

But when it’s you who’s done wrong, the steps are less clear. Maybe you don’t believe you deserve forgiveness, or you do but don’t know how to self-forgive. Either way, you feel awful.

Here’s a prescription for better health and happiness: Forgive.

To err is human, and with error comes a need for forgiveness. But how often do we seek forgiveness from ourselves? If you are struggling to release the guilt and emotional pain from a past mistake, start by asking yourself:

1. Can anything be done to change what happened?

2. Do I allow myself to make mistakes?

3. Have I done everything possible to make things right?

4. Why am I holding on to this?

5. How can I use this as an opportunity to grow?

Shame is responsible for a myriad of problems, including but not limited to:

• Self-criticism and self-blame

• Self-neglect

• Self-destructive behaviors (abusing your body with food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, self-mutilation, being accident-prone)

• Self-sabotaging behavior (starting fights with loved ones, sabotaging jobs)

• Perfectionism

• The belief that you do not deserve good things

• Intense rage (frequent physical fights, road rage)

• Acting out against society (breaking the rules, breaking the law)

• Continuing to repeat the cycle of abuse through either victim behavior or abusive behavior

More broadly, there is a kind of inner critic and inner protector inside each of us. For most people, that inner critic is continually yammering away, looking for something, anything, to find fault with. It magnifies small failings into big ones, punishes you over and over for things long past, ignores the larger context, and doesn't credit you for your efforts to make amends.

Therefore, you really need your inner protector to stick up for you: to put your weaknesses and misdeeds in perspective, to highlight your many good qualities surrounding your lapses, to encourage you to keep getting back on the high road even if you've gone down the low one, and — frankly — to tell that inner critic to Shut Up.